I Focused So Hard I Got Him to Marry Me
Symptoms of Autism: Part 4
So, you think you can focus, do you? Let me invite you into my autistic world and show you how intensely and for how long I can focus.
Think hyper. And read on for how long I had to focus on getting a man to marry me. This is all a bit embarrassing.
I grew up thinking that falling in love and getting married was how life was meant to be. I met Dave when I was 17, and he was nice to me. I thought I was in love. He wasn't. We were dating, and one day he said he could never marry me because I didn't have an interesting job, I hadn't travelled, I couldn't dance, and I was overweight. (All UK size 10 of me. US size 8).
I focused on the travelling bit first and took myself off to hitch-hike around the world. I only made it to Europe because I discovered early on that staying safe as a hitch-hiker is hard if you don't speak the language. I figured Europe would have to do.
Next, I focused on getting an interesting job. I decided being a newspaper reporter would fit the bill and went into hyperfocus mode for three months. I learnt to type fast and broke the record for shorthand speed, which landed me an interview at the local paper. They said they didn't have any vacancies for trainee reporters but to keep in touch, so I phoned them every day until they got sick of me and gave me a job.
Next, I joined a dance class. I was hopeless and still am. Lack of motor skills is an autism trait. I had to hope that 3 out of 4 might work and decided that lack of dance skills may get cancelled out if I added an extra dose of "interesting" by getting myself a motorbike.
Finally, I focussed on losing weight, which has given me great insight into people's struggles when they are unhappy with their size. I DO NOT RECOMMEND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. I tried everything I could think of: diets, caffeine pills, bulimia, having no food in the caravan where I was living, such that I would get so hungry that the only solution was a massive Chinese takeaway complete with the calorie-free dose of shame attached.
I finally fell back on my fail-safe method for achieving what I want: writing it down and asking the Universe for help. I have written here before about the dangers of asking for what you want. Here is a case in point. Shortly afterwards, I had a massive motorbike crash and concussion that came with a severe dose of weight loss. Be careful what you ask for.
Mission accomplished, I got back in touch with Dave. It had taken me three years of hyperfocus to fulfil his criteria (minus the dancing). It worked, and we were married within the year. The marriage did not last; I focused on it for seven years before calling time.
I confessed this story recently to my lovely autism specialist therapist, Amber. She said that Dave had given me a shopping list, so it was understandable that an autistic brain would go off shopping.
NB: I realise that Dave doesn’t come out of this looking too good, but he was an awesome Dad and I have no regrets. When we divorced, we both put the children first and he was an enormous support to me in the years that followed. We stayed friends. We all say stupid stuff sometimes, so try to look on him with soft eyes. I didn’t mind, at the time, that he was honest about what he wanted: I am autistic and love honesty. He is a good man.
DISCLAIMER: When you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person. My experience is mine alone and may not resemble that of other autistic people. Hyperfocus is also a symptom of ADHD. It often goes hand in hand with autism.
For more examples of autism traits, check out:
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