This is so sad. There is a programme here in the UK called Long Lost Family where the programme-makers help people find their birth parents. It is amazing the difference between those who have always known they were adopted versus those who were never told and found out much later in life. I'm so sad your birth mother died before you could meet her. If the programme is anything to go by, she would have welcomed you, and you would have forgiven her for taking that most painful of all decisions - to give up a child. She would have told you she did it for you, in the hope that you would have a better life. I enjoyed learning more about you in this story, Jennifer. And I wish you all the best on Medium. A🙏💚