TOTALLY TRUE

How I Plan to Die

Bonus Original Art Included

Photo by author. Who took longer than you can imagine to work out how to get the text on there.

Benjamin Zephaniah died yesterday. He was 65. One of my brothers* died two weeks ago, and he was 61. At nearly 63, I am slap bang in the middle, and frankly, it is a bit worrying.

I do like to be prepared, and I’ve got a whole “death” folder on my computer for my children with all manner of instructions and practical things they will need to know, like how to access my Bitcoin and where to buy the stuff on the internet that deals with the dog’s itchy skin without having to pay a vet.

But the sad news about Benjamin has been a wake-up call. I realise I’ve been so focused on the after-death that I have neglected the actual process of dying. The hard bit. It is time to up my game.

When I was an acupuncture student, I heard a story about enlightenment. It was about a nun who had discovered that the monks were keeping the secret of how to attain enlightenment all to their male selves. But she managed to overhear one snippet of information, and it was this: if you die standing up, you instantly gain enlightenment, and your body will disappear.

Apparently, if you don’t get it completely right, you might leave a big toe behind. Or a leg, or something. She diligently practised dying standing up every day. And, when she was…