I am so grateful to you, Tam, for giving such generous and detailed feedback. This is my 3rd installment, so it isn't the actual start, but your comments are still enormously helpful. I should probably have shared the synopsis first, which makes it clearer that this will (if I actually write it) tell the story of what happens when an undiagnosed autistic child, born in 1960, embarks on life armed with the certain knowledge that she is (a) fundamentally flawed but (b) clever enough to hide this and succeed anyway. Things do not go to plan. The autism diagnosis will be a slow reveal - I imagine most readers will suss it out beforehand. There will be a deeper overall message - I want to make a difference, to proclaim the message that it is OK to feel like a failure, to be weird or quirky, or to not fit in.

I know that (by the end) what I have written is not all of me. It's not who I am and all I shall ever be. I'm still a work in progress.

I know I want to create something tangible that will remain when I am dead. Even if it only remains on a shelf in a charity shop. I want to leave something real that shows I existed. I want to exist. I want to belong. I want to matter. I want people to care. And if people care, that means I am safe.

Isn't that what we all want? To belong, to matter, to feel cared for, to feel safe?

Being human can be tough, can't it?

This may be the ending:

I think what I am trying to say is that I am a mess, living mostly in a fog of unknowing, and life stuns and amazes me in equal measure. Anyone who feels the same way can sit down next to me anytime. We can look at each other, and I hope you will see the beauty in me just as I see the beauty in you.

* * *

Caye Caulker is the island in the Caribbean and I'll find a way to make that clearer (THANK YOU!) Guatamala borders Belize. This is all just the first draft and therefore broken. But I've decided to release odd bits here on Medium because I value contributions. And, again, I thank you for yours.

This may not make sense or say everything I want to. I've just got back from a week away on a fabulous writing workshop with Claire Keegan and my brain is a bit fried. I have learnt so much. And I know it will probably take me 12 rewrites before I get anywhere close to having this in a publishable format. I hope that makes sense, at least. A💚💞🙏