Member-only story
The A to Z of Failures
How to Be a Failure (Part B)
Making the mistakes, so you don’t have to
Breathing
My mother had taken me clothes shopping, and my eyes had alighted on a dress that was a bright rainbow of coloured stripes (horizontal ones).
We tried to get it on over my head first and failed. I think it had a spaghetti-strap top because I distinctly remember that the second attempt involved trying to pull it up over my tummy.
I must have been going through a pre-growth-spurt chubby phase because we were having difficulty.
“Breathe in,” said my mother.
I did, and my tummy expanded outwards.
“No,” she said, “Breathe IN.”
I was used to getting things wrong. “How?” I replied.
“Like this.” She demonstrated a deep breath in so that her ample bosom was lifted and separated like a Playtex advert, and her tummy was immediately flattened almost to her spine.
“Jesus Christ,” I thought. “I’ve been breathing the wrong way round.”
It took a few goes before I mastered this new correct way of breathing, but the stripy dress was still having none of it. I was distraught. The little tartan number wasn’t a patch on…
