Member-only story
Does inappropriate smiling irritate you?
It was probably me
I am on the autistic spectrum and, as a child, I struggled to fit in and couldn’t make friends. I grew hypervigilant, and tried to copy what the popular kids were doing. Smiling seemed important so I started practising in front of a mirror.
The trouble is that I never figured out the rules for when it was not OK to smile. I just did it all the time. I smiled when I was happy, when I was sad, when I was frightened, when I was in trouble. Especially when I was in trouble.
“Wipe that grin off your face” made it worse; the more anxious I got, the more likely I was to smile.
I’ve recently discovered that one of the indicators for autism is a child who smiles to camouflage and fit into a confusing world. The giveaway, if you take the time to check, is that the smile never reaches the eyes.
I’ve been looking back at photos of myself when I was little. There I am: a guarded look in my eyes with a fake, practiced smile. My heart goes out to her now.
Decades later and I’m still doing it, especially when I am under stress. It is also particularly likely to happen if I am consciously stopping myself from saying the truth for fear it may offend. I’m in trouble…
